How To Find What You Came Here For

Welcome to the worlds that populate my brain!
The short stories you find here are the product
of a vastly overactive imagination
powered by coffee and M&Ms.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Letter Of Complaint

Jenner Alanxiety
Chief Anxiety Officer
My Anxiety Closet

RE:  Overzealous pursuit of duties

Dear Mr. Alanxiety, 

In the last thirty-five years that you have held your post as Chief Anxiety Officer of my Anxiety Closet, I have found your performance to be, on the whole, acceptable and occasionally inspired.  However, as you are aware, there have been periods during which your subordinates' pursuit of their duties have been somewhat overzealous and strong corrective actions were needed to avoid a complete shut-down of day-to-day activities.

Immediately following the last of these incidents, it was agreed by yourself and the various anxieties under your direction, that while a certain amount of discomfort is to be expected, overall anxiety levels should never reach the point that my overall ability to function would be compromised.  Certain safeguards were put in place at that time to prevent this eventuality, and all concerned agreed to operate within those guidelines.

Unfortunately, I have become aware that two of your subordinates, Planetary Destruction and Catastrophic Illness, have taken it upon themselves to bypass those safeguards and embark on a campaign that has resulted in several nocturnal anxiety attacks that far exceed the agreed-upon levels.  In addition, mandated reduction responses such as prayer and breathing exercises have not resulted in any quantifiable change.

Both Catastrophic Illness and Planetary Destruction have taken what I feel is a perverse delight in magnifying recent news articles and inserting them into my subconscious so that even the most innocuous event triggers a rise in heart rate and blood pressure.  Planetary Destruction has gone so far as to create nightmares incorporating the destruction of Krypton (borrowed without the appropriate licenses from "Superman - The Movie," I might add), the recent earthquakes and tsunami in Japan, and the destabilization of Japan's nuclear reactors.  The resulting loss of sleep has had a direct, negative impact on my ability to concentrate and maintain the focus required to perform my duties as wife, mother, and employee.

As Chief Anxiety Officer of my Anxiety Closet, you are expected to maintain a certain level of oversight to ensure that this sort of overzealous behavior does not occur.  If you are unable to fulfill this most basic of your responsibilities, I will have no other choice but to re-assign you to a lesser position and seek a candidate from outside the Closet.  It is my understanding that Sarah Palin is seeking a position that will allow her to use her specific talents in a less traditional setting.

NC Narrator                                      

Berkeley Breathed - Bloom County


  1. Incredible. So well written. Despite the subject matter I found myself chuckling at how formal and official your tone was, and that you were able to pull that off in this assignment. To that, I say well done!

    As for the rest, I know what it is like to live with anxiety, and it can be a royal pain in various places. Sleep is a huge issue. It sucks. But you are right, facing it head on and headstrong is a great way to put it in check. Gear post, and thanm you for being so open and honest and sharing it with us!

  2. Great post. Not gear. Sorry! Autocorrect got me!

  3. Thank you Andrea - I had fun with it!

  4. Oh, brilliant! I love the language in this. Love that you're accepting anxiety as part of your life but putting strict conditions on it.

    I'm loving these honest letters (as I work up the guts to post mine). Thanks for sharing this.

  5. Can I borrow this please? I share your pain. It's good to laugh at it though...and I loved your last line about Sarah Palin. ha

  6. The formality, the cartoon, the anxiety- it all resonates!

    My favorite line was about the two subordinates. Extremely well played!

  7. Thank you all for your kind comments!

  8. grea4t job, well said, and love the cartoon!!

  9. I really enjoyed it, thanks for allowing me into the world of your anxiety ;)

  10. I knew you when, and being inside your brain is a SCARY place to be! Thank you for making it humorous so the scary parts don't hurt so much.

    I loved the Bloom County at the end. I feel for him, with complete empathy.